The past 24 hours have been pretty tense, especially the hours between 8:30 and noon.
Jim's company went through another round of lay-offs. It has been the most nerve-inducing event.
And I completely forgot my old mantra of, "don't worry until you actually need to!"
I did a pretty good job of being positive yesterday. I was soothing and calming. I would have even paid more attention to Jim if I wasn't in the middle of my Dennis Lehane love fest (aka reading his books--get your minds out of the gutter).
But this morning every positive thought and calming mantra I knew flew out the window. I called Jim for the regular morning check-in and the layoffs were happening. He had to hang up suddenly.
And the doubts and negative thoughts came flooding in. My stomach hurt. I had trouble breathing. I became--gasp!--bitchy!
I couldn't be my usual amusing self at bowling because I was too busy being worried about my future. Yes, mine! Selfishly, I am scared to death of losing our insurance.
Unlike many Americans, we do have incredible health insurance. And it doesn't cost us an arm and a leg. But I am tattooed with the big old PEC on my forehead.
You know...PEC=pre-existing condition. With my autoimmune disease, insurance could be hard to come by if something happened to what we have.
And I need my insurance. For the doctor visits. My meds. To monitor the problems they found because I went to a doctor. (These anomalies require CT Scans and MRIs to make sure they don't turn into full-fledged PROBLEMS!)
I just started feeling good and cannot imagine what I would do if we couldn't afford my meds. Or the blood tests to monitor my body on the meds.
Not that I wouldn't give them all up to feed, house, and clothe my family. It's just the thought of it happening that sends me into a tizzy!
But it seems Jim may have squeaked by yet again. And I can breathe. And the stomach ache has passed.
I'm just a little amazed how quickly I can fall into the pit of despair. It's not a place I like to visit very often.