Monday, May 3, 2010

The Microwave...Part One

Our microwave broke last week. Who knows why. Actually, I'm guessing one of three young male family members knows why. But they're not talking.

Immediately, I declared that we would not buy another one. Frankly, I am both in awe and terrified of the microwave. Seriously, how in the hell does the metal and plastic box cook food from the inside out?! It's frightening!

I worry about standing too close to it. When I cook, I tend to move clear across the kitchen. I cringe when I see the boys peering inside as it cooks. What is it doing to their brains?! I nearly hyperventilate when they stand in front of it. I do want grandchildren some day.

So I was quite pleased that I was taking a healthy stand for my family. We will be healthier without one! We will not live in fear of the micro waves cooking our insides! We will no longer glow in the dark! (OK, we really don't glow in the dark and that actually might be kinda cool...)

I felt so eco friendly. So other worldly. I was rising above those of you who need your microwaves. Hey, I can be petty that way.

The first few days were easy. I ate out. Jim had evening plans. The microwave sat, ignored, in the kitchen in the exact spot in which it died. Occasionally, I would pass by and wonder what I could do with it. Diorama? Planter?

Then, I was home for lunch. All I had was a SmartOnes. And no freakin' microwave. There was no way I was going to put it into the oven for eight hours until it was done cooking. I did have some LeanPockets, but again, the microwave was broken.

I chose the easiest solution and picked up some cereal. I could have cold cereal for lunch. How much caloric damage can be done with rice and corn chex? I was pumped, yet again, at how my wonderful mind works.

Then came the evening we all ate together. Some of you might not know that Jim is, basically, a vegetarian. Our dinner table looks like two completely different meals are being consumed. The boys and I eat meat, starch, vegetable. Jim eats vegetables. Carrots. Salad. Jim is a stick. The twins and I are not. Aaron only wants to eat PopTarts. He might have rickets.

I told Jim he could boil the bags of veggies on the stove top. I remember my mom doing that before we had a microwave. I am not merely eco friendly, but also retro friendly. Taking a step back in time, to a simpler, happier place.

No one bothered to read the directions for the boil in bag vegetables before dinner. Otherwise, I would have known that they have to boil for 25 minutes. Seriously, cheese ice needs almost a half hour to defrost/cook?!

That night, Jim ate carrots. He was not in the mood for a cauliflower in cheese sauce Popsicle. I can't remember what the rest of us ate, but it was better than plain carrots.

The next day I went to get lunch, only to discover that the boys had eaten all my cereal. See, I thought cereal was a safe food (i.e., would not be consumed by boys) because they had never shown an interest in cereal before. If I buy cereal and tell them it's theirs, it sits, untouched for eons. If I brought home cereal and commanded them to eat it, they would snarl and growl at me. I would be afraid they would eat me.

But I bring home cereal and point out it's for me. It's corn and rice chex, unsweetened and must be safe. Instead, I find the ravished boxes sitting nearly empty on the counter top.

Now I am lunch-less and microwave-less. Jim is wasting away because he cannot subsist on carrots alone. Plus, I don't want him od-ing on Vitamin A and turning orange. Again, possibly cool, but maybe a little too Oompa Loompa like.

It has become clear that we need a microwave. Yes, need it. To hell with being eco and retro friendly! To hell with not glowing in the dark!
So we went to the store...

(to be continued)


  1. When I decided to go vegan last year, I gave my microwave away because I had read somewhere that it destroys most of the nutritional value of fresh vegetables. I have a steamer, of course the only thing I ate was fresh vegis, and it really doesnt take that long to steam, I never did buy any frozen.
    I didnt know Jim is a vegitarian, that man impresses me more and more. Does he do vegis on the grill?

  2. You're hilarious. LOVE the blog. Keep making us laugh :0