Pre-Recorded Messages or A Flip Chart

I'm tired of repeating myself to my kids.

Honestly, how many times can I say:

• "Clean your room."
• "No candy for breakfast."
• "Leave me alone."*
• "Shut up."**
• "Set the table."
• "Get all the trash together."
• "Get the dogs water."
• "Put on deodorant."
• "Brush your teeth."
• "Take a shower."
• "Do your homework."

And so on...because, as moms know, we spend a lot of our time telling people what to do.

I've tried asking. Even asking politely. That gets the same amount of reaction as just barking orders like a general with the troops. Why bother sugar-coating these requests with extra words and inflections that will just confuse the listenee and delay the completion of the request?

I'm thinking that a tiny tape recorder could help me. At least it would save my voice and maybe some of my sanity. The only problem with that would be keeping track of the recorded messages. I would hate to play "take the garbage out" when I really meant "brush your teeth." Kids are already so confused. Why add fuel to the fire?

I could get a flip-chart. I'm really big on visual aids since I am such a visual person. But, I might get paper cuts from flipping through the pages. Then I would just get even grumpier.

Oooo, I could get one of those scrolling signs! See, like this! It's small and I could just carry it around the house with me! At $39.99 it's a steal! (An added bonus would be to actually use it in my car, providing real-time commentary on the idiot drivers surrounding me!)

Anything would be better than the personal voice system I am using right now. No matter what I say, no one ever hears me nor are my orders followed through!

* I know there are moms who would never use this term. However, I reserve the right to use this when a) I am in the bathroom, b) I am in the shower, c) I am on the phone, d) I am doing taxes, etc.

**I know, I know, "good" moms don't use terms like this. But you tell me how long you can last without shrieking it when you are asked for the fiftieth time in five minutes "can I have some PopTarts?" If you can survive that without telling the child to "shut up" then you are a saint and surely have something better to do with your time than read my blog!

Hat Quest 2010

I need a new hat since I can't be in the sun. Unfortunately, I forget how bad the sun really is for me until Spring is here.

So today was day one of Hat Quest 2010.

Shopping for hats alone is a miserable experience. Seriously, if you don't have someone to manically laugh with you over the absurd hats that are available, it's just not fun. Plus, the cell phone camera ensures that any really bad blunders can be digitally archived. And passed around. Posted on Facebook.

Sadly, a baseball cap isn't enough. I need more protection than that.

All the cute hats have narrow brims. Not enough protection.

Hats with a really wide brim made me look like a tourist. I don't know where...but I'm sure it's some place where tourists are horribly mocked for their choices in hats!

After Hat Quest, I am bring the Caftan Hunt. I need coverage for my entire body.

Such a pretty picture, eh?!

The Power of Positive Thinking & Why I Forgot All About It

The past 24 hours have been pretty tense, especially the hours between 8:30 and noon.

Jim's company went through another round of lay-offs. It has been the most nerve-inducing event.

And I completely forgot my old mantra of, "don't worry until you actually need to!"

I did a pretty good job of being positive yesterday. I was soothing and calming. I would have even paid more attention to Jim if I wasn't in the middle of my Dennis Lehane love fest (aka reading his books--get your minds out of the gutter).

But this morning every positive thought and calming mantra I knew flew out the window. I called Jim for the regular morning check-in and the layoffs were happening. He had to hang up suddenly.

And the doubts and negative thoughts came flooding in. My stomach hurt. I had trouble breathing. I became--gasp!--bitchy!

I couldn't be my usual amusing self at bowling because I was too busy being worried about my future. Yes, mine! Selfishly, I am scared to death of losing our insurance.

Unlike many Americans, we do have incredible health insurance. And it doesn't cost us an arm and a leg. But I am tattooed with the big old PEC on my forehead.

You know...PEC=pre-existing condition. With my autoimmune disease, insurance could be hard to come by if something happened to what we have.

And I need my insurance. For the doctor visits. My meds. To monitor the problems they found because I went to a doctor. (These anomalies require CT Scans and MRIs to make sure they don't turn into full-fledged PROBLEMS!)

I just started feeling good and cannot imagine what I would do if we couldn't afford my meds. Or the blood tests to monitor my body on the meds.

Not that I wouldn't give them all up to feed, house, and clothe my family. It's just the thought of it happening that sends me into a tizzy!

But it seems Jim may have squeaked by yet again. And I can breathe. And the stomach ache has passed.

I'm just a little amazed how quickly I can fall into the pit of despair. It's not a place I like to visit very often.

I'd Like to Introduce You to MY God...

I've avoided writing this post for awhile because I don't want to offend any of the few who read my blog. But I can't avoid it any longer. Because people are getting crazier and nuttier...all in the name of religion and doing things for God.

This article is what started today's rant. I'm not going to condemn these people or even point out their stupidity. Instead, I am going to send them all loving thoughts.

What I am going to do is introduce you to my God.

My God, whom I just call "God," is a kind and benevolent being. Really, all he asks of me is to be a good person and to treat the Earth and her residents (human AND animal) with the kindness and respect they deserve. He really does believe in The Golden Rule.

He wants me to greet each day with love and laughter. It is my job to spread the love. With a smile. A kind word. A kind gesture.

I have not been given any special powers that allow me to judge my fellow beings in any way. Any judging will be done in its own time and way. By God. I would never dare to compare myself to God or to even consider myself worthy of judgement.

I'm astute enough to know that The Bible was written by man and open to his many interpretations. Which is why there are several versions of The Bible. It's a nice piece of literature, but it doesn't hold the key to who or who isn't worthy.

Now I know people will be muttering Bible verses condemning just about everything you can think of. And I will simply say, "yes, there are those who even believe that segregation was right because it said so somewhere in The Bible." And then I will look you in the eye and say, "any book or religion that says my children are not deserving of respect or the rights of others is completely and absolutely wrong." Oops, I guess I judged you. But that was in my mother role. And a mother crossed is a powerful, powerful force. (By the way, I would also defend your children's right to fair treatment also! Don't think I'm just looking out for my boys!)

Plus, if The Bible was wrong on one thing...what else has it misinterpreted?

My God thrives in the beautiful. Every blade of grass and every flower petal. Every rainbow and thunderstorm. Every animal, whatever their shape. Every person, whether they are short or tall, black or white. Every sunset and sunset. Every piece of art: music, painting, writing.

All he asks of me is that I be good. But sometimes when I see things done in the name of God and religion, it makes me want to be really really bad. Mostly it makes me sad that people find themselves in the midst of such ugliness, in the name of a God who created such beauty.

Pet Peeve Friday: Slow Drivers

Last week's drawing for the Pet Peeve Friday prize of Avon Oatmeal hand cream samples is Jamie Van Becelaere. Jamie, keep an eye on the mail...

This week's prize is another sample of the Oatmeal hand cream. Please comment and share today's pet peeve!

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I actually thought I wouldn't even have a peeve today because I was so blissfully happy all morning. Then...I drove amongst the zombie drivers.

Yes, I'm talking to you!

Do you know how angry I get when you know there isn't another car behind me, but you insist on pulling out in front of me and not even driving the speed limit?

Do you know how many bad words I say (out loud, of course, because I am driving alone!) when you drive under the speed limit?! For goodness sake, this is Chiburbia* and we drive at least 7 miles over the speed limit at all times. Not under!

Plus, it's a nice sunny day, which means you just need to drive a little faster. It's the law...well, a mother nature law...well, a SusieLand** law.

So get with the program and don't get in the way of the ArtTrt (that's Art Tart because I am an artist with attitude) turbo mini van.

• Don't drive in the left lane if you're driving slow.

• Don't pay so much attention to the cell phone that you don't know what's happening to your speedometer.

I'm sure there are a lot of other don'ts. I am have a brain slowdown and can't remember them all. But you know what they are! You do!

* Chiburbia: I don't remember exactly where on Twitter I ran across this term. I am taking it to mean the suburbs of Chicago. I don't want to take credit for making it up. But I might have. See comment above about brain slowdown.

**SusieLand: the land where I exist that is gorgeous and peaceful. There are ducks, and bunnies, flowers and fluffy clouds. We do not talk about death, volcanoes, or any other topic of less than pleasant things. You are free to visit SusieLand at any time, but you must maintain a smile and a happy disposition at all times.

Family Rituals

Aaron's teacher sent home a list of activities that would start family rituals. That got me thinking...do you have any? Because I'm not so sure we do here in KlineLand.

We eat dinner together every night. That's our big one and I know it's supposed to make my kids bigger and better than all the rest. Hey, I saw that on TV!

Other than that, we're pretty open to suggestions. Jim always coaches something. That's been a steady ritual since the twins got into organized sports.

I used to attend all sports events until it came to pass that the sun kills me. Literally, I get rashes and flu-like symptoms. One afternoon in the sun takes three days to recover. Not worth it, really. But I do attend night games.

We used to have our Saturday night poker game. But that's fallen to the wayside since the introduction of the XBox Live into our home. It was fun though and I think it's time to bring that back!

I'm reminded of an episode of The Middle where Frankie, the mom, wants more family rituals. Except they all just end up sitting on the couch watching TV. We don't even do that! I take to my bed early so I can read without the background noise of the cartoon channel.

Jim's mom and dad took the boys every Wednesday night for years and years. It was a little mid-week date night. That doesn't happen any more, so we don't even get a regular night out with just the two of us. We save that for the biggie--the Anniversary! Wow, once a year...

So I am in need of some suggestions for family rituals. Because I don't think yelling, "brush your teeth, go to the bathroom, and for god's sake put on some deodorant!" every night counts.

What Keeps Susie Kline Feeling Great?

On the last page in Heath magazine, there have a piece where celebrities answer a series of questions. I started wondering if people really answer this honestly or are making themselves seem way more chic and deep than they really are. So here are my answers...and I'm being completely honest!

My favorite home-cooked meal: It's got to be grilled cheese because that's the only meal Jim cooks. And I'm not counting anything I make because I had to do the work.

Three things always in my pantry: olive oil, sugar, flour

The single best thing about working out is: when it's over

The body part I like the most is my: I like my feet because my toes are perfectly stair-stepped to create a 90 degree angle.

My go-to at-home spa treatment: WTF?! There's no spa-ing going on in my house of boys. Although sometimes I do remember to put lotion on.

Whenever I'm nervous I psych myself up by: Calling Kelly and having her tell me to snap outta it.

If I could change one thing about the world: Everyone would just be nicer.

My favorite book of all time: Is constantly changing. I'll read any and all Janet Evanovich and Jennifer Crusie. I'm working my way through the Nevada Barr and Dennis Lehane libraries at the moment.

My best quality: I am funny, dammit!

I wish I had more time for: Being a mother...the twins are almost 18! I'm getting a little twitchy over than!

My happy-life motto: Is this really going to matter in 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 months?!